anonymously all of me

Month: April, 2013

The Wolf and The House Dog

I once saw a picture on a tarot card that was being read for me of a wild looking wolf howling at the moon, and a domesticated dog sitting next to it. The idea, so says my friend who was reading the cards, is that there are two sides to me. One is the domestic and tame part of me, and the other is the wild and free side of me. “Don’t fear the wild side,” she says.

Now I’m not obsessed with tarot cards or the reading, but this image has been running through my mind at a near constant basis both yesterday and today. The question that looms in my mind is, “When I have more of the wild and free, will I naturally desire the domestic as well?”

You see, right now the idea of being wild and free is everything. And I am afraid of it. Afraid that one taste will change me, and I will run off into the wilderness never to return. I have been cooped up too long. I want to run around wild and live like an animal. I want to run hard and fast into it, and never look back. But I wonder: Is it an issue of balance?

When I have my freedom and a life of my own, will I then begin to miss the comforts of home? Will the nurturing soul in me want to cradle my children and bake pies from scratch? Will I want to sell myself to the romantic embrace of Hot Guy, and have him own me in that moment? Will I want to garden and nest and embrace the quiet solitude of the domestic?

I do not know.

Right now, all of those things are like a suffocating fog to me. Boring. Chains on my wrists. The very ideas that have held me back in guilt and fear for so long. My heart says it is not me. I am modern. I am a flat in the city with a housekeeper and cook. I am the life of the party. New York City. The complete opposite of what I have been.

And yet… I picture that card. And my brain wonders if I have just lacked balance. Have I been starved in one area, and gorged in another? When I am receiving a healthy portion of wild, will I also desire a healthy portion of domestic? The thought seems nice. It feels like it would be the “right” thing to be. It would please Hot Guy and my children. It would make me feel like less of a bad person. But, in this moment, I cannot relate to it. I cannot theorize the balance. I cannot imagine it in. I will just have to wait and see.

In this moment, the wild wolf is all consuming in my mind. It feels like freedom. Like my true heart hanging in the balance, waiting for it’s chance to shine. Will it take over completely? Will it become my new self? Only time will tell. For as I’ve experienced time and time again, I never know what my heart will feel in the moment. Theories are just that, a theory. And reality has a mind of it’s own.

I wonder….


From Caterpillar to Butterfly or Just Jump Dammit!

I find myself conflicted today. Once again surprised by the reality of my emotions in the moment, when in theory I thought I’d figured it all out. This happens often. Me visualizing how I will feel when certain events take place, and then finding out the truth about myself when they actually do. It’s humbling to say the least, yet also very intriguing.

You see, this week (Wednesday to be exact), I will be contacting the manager for the position I am trying to get into for work. (Let’s call it with Company X.) I’ve already interviewed with her, but it was before they were “officially” looking to hire someone for the position. I tracked her down and convinced her to meet with me while she was in town, determined to get hired on at this company. Our interview was really positive, and she said many promising things to me, including talk about moving forward with a second interview. However, she was in the middle of employee reviews, and would be until the end of April, which had her completely consumed. We would pick up communication again in the beginning of May.

Since then, I’ve been doing everything in my power to will this job into existence. Not being able to contact the manager, or anyone else at the company, I’ve changed my LinkedIn profile with the focus now being completely geared towards impressing anyone from that company who might browse through it. I’ve studied their entire website, literally reading every piece of information they have displayed, learning all about their product line and company. I’ve also watched all the YouTube videos their company made to display their products and company. I’ve even researched the area I’d most likely have to relocate to should I be hired with them. I feel like these steps are my way of sending my intentions into the universe and convincing it that I am ready for this.

This company is EXACTLY what I want. A jumping off point to my new life. A total and complete change. Picturing working there makes me feel strong and independent. I’ve visualized it over and over. It’s what I need to get me started. What I need to break me out of my past. A past that has been wonderful and irreplaceable, but which I can no longer thrive in.

And having this month to dream about it has been wonderful! I’ve pictured my new life out in detail, even making a new schedule to accommodate my new duties. Because it’s not just about the job. It’s about blooming. About becoming more of who I really am. Daring to believe that all I’ve been working towards the last 7 years will stop being philosophy and theory, and become my reality instead. It’s like I’ve been this caterpillar in a cocoon learning how to be a butterfly, and now it’s time to be that butterfly dammit! This cocoon has just become too small for my new wings.

And this whole time, deep down I’ve known this was going to happen. I had full confidence in my dreams. But now that I’m standing on the doorstep of reality, I am afraid. I’m afraid that with one email all my dreams could be crushed, and I will be shoved back into my cocoon where I’m doomed to live out the rest of my days. And yet I’m also afraid of it happening. Afraid of the change. Even though I want it with all my heart, I fear it. I will be leaping out of my comfort zone and entering into a new life, never to return to what I’ve known. And while most of me is yelling, “THANK GOD!” there’s a part of me that resembles a scared little girl covered in nostalgia. It’s almost as if I’m more afraid of succeeding than failing.

Paulo Coelho talks about this phenomenon in one of his books. The point where you are on the threshold of your dream being realized and suddenly it becomes the hardest step. Even after all the struggles, and broken relationships, and risks, and dying to the self that you had to do to get there, when you are finally there, you cannot take that last step and realize it.

And so that is where I am in this moment. Standing on the threshold of my dreams, and wondering if I really have what it takes to step into them. And it is a thrilling place to be.

The Impossible List

I am feeling completely inspired today! Today is a day that I am believing in myself. I am able to see past my insecurities, inefficiencies, and the small image of myself I tend to see reflected back from those around me and believe that I am amazing.

Feeling like this brings out my true desires. The ones I hide from or hold back because they seem ridiculous or beyond me when I feel small. Like a pipe dream or little girl’s fantasy. But when I feel powerful, those things seem like a natural progression of who I am. They feel like the very act of denying them in my life would require more strength than the act of conquering them, because I’d have to hold back all the passion within me to stop them from happening.

What are these grand things? I have a list, and I will share that list with you, but first I want to explain what the “list” is all about. Because it’s not the trophy that I’m after, it’s the conquering of self that I crave. It’s not for others’ approval or praise (not that I don’t crave approval, because I do, but that’s not why I want these things), but so that I can look at myself and be amazed. So that I can know my own true limits. To expose all the hidden beauty and strength that lies within me. The creativity, the deep emotions, the intelligence, the heart. To silence all the nagging voices in my head that don’t believe in me, or that think I am less than. “Less-than”, that’s the phrase I want to silence. The phrase that has haunted me my whole life.

I truly believe that I am limited only by my perception of self, and the way the world works. When I look inside myself, I see endless possibility. In fact, I feel that if I earnestly go on a voyage to find the edges of my potential, I will only discover deeper and wider seas with a constant barrage of new horizons. There will never be an end to my potential. I will never “arrive”.

When I think of living a life this way, I can’t help but feel it is perfection. I have found the discovery of self to be the most euphoric experience possible. The very thing I have searched for and craved from the beginning of my existence. So to spend a life conquering the very tasks that stretch me in a new direction and make me feel bigger, stronger, more alive, would be amazing.

That’s what I want. That’s where I’m going. And the current “list” is comprised from my current understanding. From the current giants that stand before me begging to be conquered…

…I must admit, as I move from the list being personal to sharing it aloud, I hesitate, afraid of feeling foolish. My self image shrinks a bit, and I feel smaller. Is it my idea of what you will think of me? That I should be found ridiculous, even as I write this anonymously? Strange. But I will share. I will press through. As one of my challenges is to expose my truth, no matter what it is, to this blog audience. To find myself beautiful even when I fear the world won’t…

I have two lists going at the moment. One is my list of things I’m actively working towards at the moment. The other is a list of things I’d like to conquer in the future. Things that nag at me, but that don’t quite fit yet. My lists are ever evolving. And I hope to constantly add to them. I hope that as I conquer one thing, another challenge will appear that I didn’t know existed before. Something I never associated myself with, because I didn’t know it was in me to want that thing. I found a great article about this type of list. The author calls it the Impossible List. That is to say, what I once felt was impossible, I now find myself doing. I like that. So here they are, my Impossible Lists:

Right now:

Get a job at ____. A top company that only hires the best sales reps in my field, which I have a second interview with. :)
-Related: Once hired, become the #1 rep in the company within 5 years.

RX in Crossfit by the end of 2013.
-(RX is the “prescription” weight and reps in any given Crossfit workout. Basically it means I wouldn’t have to scale down the workouts in order to complete them. I am 7 weeks into Crossfit, and no where near the RX point. However, I am improving quickly.)

Broad Spectrum:

Get my 15 minutes of fame in Hollywood. (I’ve always wanted to be an actress. It is my art. And I hate that I feel like Hollywood is out of my league. That’s why it’s on my Impossible List.)

Have a Book on the New York Times Best Seller List.

Ride my Bike across the United States. (I plan to do this in 2020 with Hot Guy for our 20th anniversary.)

Learn to play the piano fluently. Not the most difficult of challenges, but it’s on the list. I am an excellent musician, and playing music feeds me. However, in my adult life, I have not dedicated myself to it, and I am truly sorry for that. After I get the job, I plan to buy a piano and start lessons. I may expand this to include playing the violin and cello in the future.

Live off the land for a year. This has haunted me!! It’s always been of great interest to me, but never something I wanted to do my whole life. I think it would be an amazing experience that would teach me so much about myself, as well as connect me to the earth in a whole new way.

That’s it. That’s the current list. It’s not a long list, but that’s because I plan to actually accomplish these things, and to continually add to it, as new challenges come taunting me. When it’s time to proceed with an item on the list, I break the large goal up into small accomplishable tasks, and start acting on those tasks. And it’s funny, the thrill of completing those little things is what fills me up. Like doing one guy push up for the first time in Crossfit, or getting an interview with my ideal company. Those little things, the journey so to speak, are what build me up step by step and make me believe in myself. And that’s what I’m searching for. That feeling of triumph and self amazement. And I am on my way.

Until next time…