I’m depressed again this morning. I feel this way most mornings right now, just waiting for my new life to start. I’m so done with what I’ve got going on right now. Bored. To. Death.
I know I’ll get this job. I feel so sure about it. But I’m nervous about the transition. Nervous I won’t be able to go all the way. That I won’t be brave enough to take what I want and leave the rest behind.
I want so badly to start living in a completely different way. To let my life for the last ten years fade away into memory. No more with the old. New life here I come.
There’s an excitement in my belly from it. An independent me. Known as myself, not identified as being part of anyone else. A me with my own bank account. My own life! In this arena, I’ll get to be myself. A new power given to me. An authority to speak as an equal. To split responsibility. To hire others to do the things I can no longer stand. To decide how I alone want to save, invest, and live. If I want to hire a housekeeper, cook, or nanny, that’s my decision. I choose that because its my money.
Money changes everything. I want a lot of money. I’m not ready to want unlimited amounts of money, because something about that concept takes the value out of money, and I feel like money is a great prize right now. I know I want enough money that I can accomplish the desires I currently have.
A desire to look good, go on vacations, live a romance, hire people to do what I can no longer stand doing, to get my kids what they’ve wanted and even need (like voice lessons and braces), to have the means to reach further and explore beyond my current realm. I know what I want out of life. I’ve broken it down piece by piece, looked at how I really feel, and made a plan. No more lounging around waiting for things to happen to me. I want to live! I want to pack every second of every day with intention and live a life devouring the world. I want to feed my ever discontented and bored brain with enough fodder to keep it fresh and alive. A constant barrage of change and new information! New world views, philosophies, and understandings. I want to test my limits. To see how tall I am!
And yet, I am waiting. Taking small daily steps to this new life. And it leaves me depressed and deflated. Wondering when I will be swept up by my plans and taken away into intention.