From Caterpillar to Butterfly or Just Jump Dammit!
I find myself conflicted today. Once again surprised by the reality of my emotions in the moment, when in theory I thought I’d figured it all out. This happens often. Me visualizing how I will feel when certain events take place, and then finding out the truth about myself when they actually do. It’s humbling to say the least, yet also very intriguing.
You see, this week (Wednesday to be exact), I will be contacting the manager for the position I am trying to get into for work. (Let’s call it with Company X.) I’ve already interviewed with her, but it was before they were “officially” looking to hire someone for the position. I tracked her down and convinced her to meet with me while she was in town, determined to get hired on at this company. Our interview was really positive, and she said many promising things to me, including talk about moving forward with a second interview. However, she was in the middle of employee reviews, and would be until the end of April, which had her completely consumed. We would pick up communication again in the beginning of May.
Since then, I’ve been doing everything in my power to will this job into existence. Not being able to contact the manager, or anyone else at the company, I’ve changed my LinkedIn profile with the focus now being completely geared towards impressing anyone from that company who might browse through it. I’ve studied their entire website, literally reading every piece of information they have displayed, learning all about their product line and company. I’ve also watched all the YouTube videos their company made to display their products and company. I’ve even researched the area I’d most likely have to relocate to should I be hired with them. I feel like these steps are my way of sending my intentions into the universe and convincing it that I am ready for this.
This company is EXACTLY what I want. A jumping off point to my new life. A total and complete change. Picturing working there makes me feel strong and independent. I’ve visualized it over and over. It’s what I need to get me started. What I need to break me out of my past. A past that has been wonderful and irreplaceable, but which I can no longer thrive in.
And having this month to dream about it has been wonderful! I’ve pictured my new life out in detail, even making a new schedule to accommodate my new duties. Because it’s not just about the job. It’s about blooming. About becoming more of who I really am. Daring to believe that all I’ve been working towards the last 7 years will stop being philosophy and theory, and become my reality instead. It’s like I’ve been this caterpillar in a cocoon learning how to be a butterfly, and now it’s time to be that butterfly dammit! This cocoon has just become too small for my new wings.
And this whole time, deep down I’ve known this was going to happen. I had full confidence in my dreams. But now that I’m standing on the doorstep of reality, I am afraid. I’m afraid that with one email all my dreams could be crushed, and I will be shoved back into my cocoon where I’m doomed to live out the rest of my days. And yet I’m also afraid of it happening. Afraid of the change. Even though I want it with all my heart, I fear it. I will be leaping out of my comfort zone and entering into a new life, never to return to what I’ve known. And while most of me is yelling, “THANK GOD!” there’s a part of me that resembles a scared little girl covered in nostalgia. It’s almost as if I’m more afraid of succeeding than failing.
Paulo Coelho talks about this phenomenon in one of his books. The point where you are on the threshold of your dream being realized and suddenly it becomes the hardest step. Even after all the struggles, and broken relationships, and risks, and dying to the self that you had to do to get there, when you are finally there, you cannot take that last step and realize it.
And so that is where I am in this moment. Standing on the threshold of my dreams, and wondering if I really have what it takes to step into them. And it is a thrilling place to be.