riskingtruth

anonymously all of me

Month: May, 2013

Apparently, I Have a Serious Shit List

I have recently been made aware of a personality trait of mine that honestly came as a real shock to me. I think I know myself pretty well, so when something comes out of the blue and smacks me in the face like this did, it is a little rattling. It came about when I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and she said, “Man! I hope I’m never on your shit list.”

I laughingly replied, “I don’t have a shit list. I mean, except for Robert, but he’s on most people’s shit list, so it doesn’t count.”

To which she replied, “Oh my dear, you have a serious shit list.”

“You really think so?”

“Yes.”

We then moved on with our conversation, but that little moment stuck with me. Do I in fact have a shit list? Last night I brought it up to Hot Guy thinking he’d vindicate me, but he felt like I had a serious shit list too! What the hell? So I thought about it and was shocked to realize, I do have a serious shit list!

You see, I have a habit of cutting people off and never speaking to them again. It doesn’t matter who you are (I have even divorced my paternal family), if you don’t fit into my picture anymore, you’re gone. This sounds harsh, and like an obvious shit list, but let me explain my perspective so you can see why I never considered it a shit list, but more of an evolutionary process.

I have been cutting people out since childhood. I would be best friends with someone for however long, and then one day I would stop talking to them and move on. This usually happened after I would go through some sort of shift in my paradigm, and my friend having not gone through this same shift, would no longer be relatable or interesting to me anymore, so I’d move on to others who were. (See? Evolutionary.) A friend that I’ve known since high school (honestly the only one, besides Hot Guy, to make it this long) compared me to a tornado once. She said I’m this powerful force that goes into an area with a whirlwind of excitement and vigor, sucks everybody and everything around me up into this fabulous power, and then spits it all out the back end and moves on.

This is true about me. HOWEVER, I never considered all these people I cut out as being on my “shit list”, because I’m not angry at them. To me, they just don’t fit, so I cut them out. As startling and hurtful as it is to other people, I don’t notice, because it’s not startling and painful to me. I feel entirely healthy getting rid of them. I don’t feel like I have some emotional trauma I’m compensating for, I’m just not one to hold onto relationships for the sake of the relationship, so if it doesn’t feed me anymore, I’m simply over it.

I also cut people out of my life who don’t love who I am. I think I’m absolutely amazing and beautiful, and when there’s another person around me who thinks I’m ugly because they don’t understand my paradigm, I get rid of them. I’m not willing to pretend to be something I’m not to please someone else’s idea of right and good, when I am perfectly at peace with my decisions. Obviously there are always people I have to be in casual relationships with who wont understand me (work, etc..), but I’m also not exposing all of who I am to them either, so it’s not that big of a deal. I’m talking about personal friendships. I divorced most of my paternal family for this reason. They refused to accept the truth about me and kept trying to get me to change into what they thought I should be, so I ended it because I was tired of feeling ugly around them all the time. (This was one of the times where it was actually very gut wrenching to end the relationship.)

Now all of this I have known about myself, but here’s the part I’ve been blind to. I picture myself as an all accepting type of person. Someone that can be friends with anyone and everyone. The people I’m in relationships with end up telling me things they’ve not only never told anyone else, but things they were afraid to admit to even themselves before. I feel like I see the beauty in the truth about humanity, not the “goodness” of humanity, and so people feel comfortable with their truth around me, no matter what it is. I actually find raw human emotion very entertaining and a great challenge to my paradigms. Somehow, thinking of myself as all accepting didn’t connect with the thought that I ditch people at the drop of a hat. I just never saw it from an outside looking in perspective. From the outside it looks like a shit list. From the inside, I feel healthy and positive, as I’m not carrying around broken or unhealthy relationships. I have no relationship baggage. In fact, I think fondly of many of the people I have cut off. I love who they are. They just don’t fit into my current puzzle.

I love this about myself.

While this discovery threw me for a minute, because I know that to others it is a harsh and bitchy trait, I have to admit when I put their opinions aside, it’s a really fabulous thing about me. I like it. and how could I not? It’s my truth. It’s a piece of who I really am.

Yeah I have a shit list, but please note, Robert is the only person I hate. Everyone else has just become… irrelevant.

…RiskingTruth

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Country Line Dancing

Yesterday afternoon I reached my limit. I literally could not spend one more minute in my house. I went to pick my kids up from school, dropped them off at home, and told them I was going to the grocery store. Then I drove off. I went to an area I knew I could park to think, and just parked there. I listened to some music while I tried to process and figure out what I was freaking out about. I felt a severe depression that literally hurt my body physically, but I couldn’t figure out what the source of this depression was. It was one of those times when words were useless to me. I tried using them at first, but I didn’t get anywhere, so I sat there in silence and let my mind work it out with my heart.

I began to picture myself going downtown, getting a coffee, and sitting outside while thinking, so I turned my car back on and headed that way. It was only a mile or so from where I was parked, so it didn’t take me long. I got my coffee, and sat outside while an amazingly sweet breeze blew.

That’s when I got the call from my family. The pizza I’d ordered them had shown up and that made them worry, as I was supposed to have been at the grocery store getting supplies for dinner. I have to admit, I did it for the dramatic flare. It sounded like such a good scheme to silently send the pizza and not tell them. So mysterious.

I told them that yes, I had ordered it, so they could stop freaking out. I then told Hot Guy that I just couldn’t come home. I literally couldn’t bring myself to be in the house for one more minute. He suggested we go walking at the lake with the baby then, and could I please come home because I had the car seat and he was stranded without it.

Walking at the lake sounded bearable, so I headed back home and picked them up.

It was a beautiful walk and I was so happy during it. When it was time to go home, I began to feel dark and depressed again. It made me testy and I fought with Hot Guy. This just made me more upset so when I got home I put on my headphones and crawled into bed. Maybe I could work it out that way.

As I laid there and, once again, let my mind talk to my heart, I began to picture myself out dancing. Suddenly I knew that I HAD to go out and dance. I didn’t have a choice. My heart was taking over and running the show now.

I decided to go to the Country Line Dancing place by our house as it seemed like a less intimidating environment than a regular club if I was going to go alone, and I’d never been although I’ve wanted to. I got out of bed and got dressed up. As I was dressing I realized that I really would like Hot Guy to go, but if he didn’t want to I’d go without him. So when I was all ready and looking good, I walked out into the living room and asked if he wanted to go with me. He did, and went to get changed.

That made me happy.

We went to dinner first, and I have to admit, the minute we stepped out of the car, I felt better. We laughed and joked at dinner, and then went over to the country club.

Oh my gosh, country people know how to have fun! It was a blast! We didn’t know any of the dances, but I tried a whole bunch, finally resolving to just go with the directional flow of everyone else and move my feet however I wanted. This made me a lot better. Hot guy isn’t quite as outgoing as I am, so he just watched me most of the time. But when they were doing two step, he watched, figured it out, and took me out on the dance floor to dance. That was great. There’s nothing like dancing with someone.

Then, around 11Pm the DJ announced it was free dance time and started playing club music. OH YEAH! I LOVE to dance! I went right out there, Hot Guy right behind me, and danced my little heart out. I managed to inch my way to the middle, and when a circle formed where they all watch one dancer dance in the middle, I jumped right in and danced for everyone. This shocked Hot Guy. He couldn’t believe I did that, because he could never. I loved it though.

At the end of the night I felt great, and my depression was gone.

On the drive home, Hot Guy commented on how great of a dancer I am, and how he’s beginning to see another side of me. That made me absolutely happy because it’s true. There is a whole other side to me that has bloomed. That part of me that I’ve been all along, but always censored and repressed for the sake of pleasing the proverbial supposed tos. And that’s why I’ve been depressed. Now that I have become someone new, I need a new habitat to live in. I’ve compared myself to a caterpillar who has recently become a butterfly in other posts, and using that analogy, I would say that I need a big wide world to fly in, instead of the cozy cocoon I’ve made my home. I am taking steps to get out of that cocoon, but they are taking time to put into place, so while I wait I am depressed. It feels like I have all this power and energy inside me that’s ready to get out, but my skin is holding it all in. I think my depression is my heart conceding to stuff the energy away, and it’s becoming harder and harder to do that with every passing day. There are cracks where it seeps out.

So I asked Hot Guy, “Do you like the side of me you are seeing, because it’s who I am. It’s who I’ve become.”

“I love it!”

And that’s all I needed to hear.

…RiskingTruth

Having Lunch With the Back of a Cell Phone

WARNING: ADULT CONTENT

This morning when I opened my eyes, the first words out of my mouth were, “Oh my God!”

Hot Guy, who was wearing fitted jeans and a white t-shirt that wrapped tightly around his muscles, looks at me and says, “What happened?” with a worried look on his face.

I reply, “You look so sexy it hurts.”

Hot Guy (who is properly named) was no longer worried, and instead, stood up a little straighter, gave me a kiss, and left for an appointment. This was very disappointing, as I would have preferred to consume him entirely for breakfast.

Around 11, I got a phone call from Hot Guy asking if I wanted to go to lunch. I happily accepted as visions of a fun conversation and playful bantering, over what was sure to be an excellent plate of food, danced in my head.

Stupid girl. You know better.

It being the middle of the day, we brought HappyBaby along with us, as our live in babysitter was at school. He screamed the entire drive. (This is his new thing.) Then, while at lunch, HappyBaby had to be entertained with jelly baskets, menus, and tortilla chips. The service was s-l-o-w, and Hot Guy was e-mailing on his phone almost the entire time.

Sharp knife right through the center of my daydream bubble.

I do want to take a little moment (before I go on to vent) to say that it was work stuff he was dealing with and today is a work day. But there have been many times when he was just bored and therefore reading Twitter, which he is obsessed with. Still, I’m pretty sure the email could have waited 30 minutes.

THIS ENRAGES ME!

Now, some of you might be getting a picture of an attractive man paired up with a woman who used to be pretty but has now had 4 children, so has amounted to a frumpy housewife that HotGuy is no longer excited by. You might also be picturing a scowl on this ugly woman’s face that suggests she is a naggy bitch that offers poor company. But let me tell you, this picture is not true.

I am a very attractive woman. Everywhere I go men cannot keep their eyes off of me. Everyone opens my door, offers me help, and tries to talk to me. I’m also funny, exciting, and a great friend. AND, I’m great in bed.

I mention these things, because I think with all that I offer, I should at least be worth a little attention at lunch. I don’t want to date the back of your cell phone. I want to live a romance. I feel like if he felt the way about me that I do about him, we would. I feel like I should be enough to entertain his mind for 30 fucking minutes. I guarantee there are plenty of men out there that would do pretty much anything to sit down with me at lunch and have a little sexy banter.

I’m so disappointed. I want more from life.

I just feel like this scenario sums up my life right now. I’m ready to launch. August can’t get here fast enough.

…RiskingTruth