I have recently been made aware of a personality trait of mine that honestly came as a real shock to me. I think I know myself pretty well, so when something comes out of the blue and smacks me in the face like this did, it is a little rattling. It came about when I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and she said, “Man! I hope I’m never on your shit list.”
I laughingly replied, “I don’t have a shit list. I mean, except for Robert, but he’s on most people’s shit list, so it doesn’t count.”
To which she replied, “Oh my dear, you have a serious shit list.”
“You really think so?”
We then moved on with our conversation, but that little moment stuck with me. Do I in fact have a shit list? Last night I brought it up to Hot Guy thinking he’d vindicate me, but he felt like I had a serious shit list too! What the hell? So I thought about it and was shocked to realize, I do have a serious shit list!
You see, I have a habit of cutting people off and never speaking to them again. It doesn’t matter who you are (I have even divorced my paternal family), if you don’t fit into my picture anymore, you’re gone. This sounds harsh, and like an obvious shit list, but let me explain my perspective so you can see why I never considered it a shit list, but more of an evolutionary process.
I have been cutting people out since childhood. I would be best friends with someone for however long, and then one day I would stop talking to them and move on. This usually happened after I would go through some sort of shift in my paradigm, and my friend having not gone through this same shift, would no longer be relatable or interesting to me anymore, so I’d move on to others who were. (See? Evolutionary.) A friend that I’ve known since high school (honestly the only one, besides Hot Guy, to make it this long) compared me to a tornado once. She said I’m this powerful force that goes into an area with a whirlwind of excitement and vigor, sucks everybody and everything around me up into this fabulous power, and then spits it all out the back end and moves on.
This is true about me. HOWEVER, I never considered all these people I cut out as being on my “shit list”, because I’m not angry at them. To me, they just don’t fit, so I cut them out. As startling and hurtful as it is to other people, I don’t notice, because it’s not startling and painful to me. I feel entirely healthy getting rid of them. I don’t feel like I have some emotional trauma I’m compensating for, I’m just not one to hold onto relationships for the sake of the relationship, so if it doesn’t feed me anymore, I’m simply over it.
I also cut people out of my life who don’t love who I am. I think I’m absolutely amazing and beautiful, and when there’s another person around me who thinks I’m ugly because they don’t understand my paradigm, I get rid of them. I’m not willing to pretend to be something I’m not to please someone else’s idea of right and good, when I am perfectly at peace with my decisions. Obviously there are always people I have to be in casual relationships with who wont understand me (work, etc..), but I’m also not exposing all of who I am to them either, so it’s not that big of a deal. I’m talking about personal friendships. I divorced most of my paternal family for this reason. They refused to accept the truth about me and kept trying to get me to change into what they thought I should be, so I ended it because I was tired of feeling ugly around them all the time. (This was one of the times where it was actually very gut wrenching to end the relationship.)
Now all of this I have known about myself, but here’s the part I’ve been blind to. I picture myself as an all accepting type of person. Someone that can be friends with anyone and everyone. The people I’m in relationships with end up telling me things they’ve not only never told anyone else, but things they were afraid to admit to even themselves before. I feel like I see the beauty in the truth about humanity, not the “goodness” of humanity, and so people feel comfortable with their truth around me, no matter what it is. I actually find raw human emotion very entertaining and a great challenge to my paradigms. Somehow, thinking of myself as all accepting didn’t connect with the thought that I ditch people at the drop of a hat. I just never saw it from an outside looking in perspective. From the outside it looks like a shit list. From the inside, I feel healthy and positive, as I’m not carrying around broken or unhealthy relationships. I have no relationship baggage. In fact, I think fondly of many of the people I have cut off. I love who they are. They just don’t fit into my current puzzle.
I love this about myself.
While this discovery threw me for a minute, because I know that to others it is a harsh and bitchy trait, I have to admit when I put their opinions aside, it’s a really fabulous thing about me. I like it. and how could I not? It’s my truth. It’s a piece of who I really am.
Yeah I have a shit list, but please note, Robert is the only person I hate. Everyone else has just become… irrelevant.