Lost In Translation
When I look into my heart and ask it what it wants, I see two things:
1. Working for Company X
2. Living in LA.
This I can see perfectly clear. The whys behind those two things are more difficult to define. Sometimes the truth about me is just not logical. Or it’s not “common logic” at least. When explained out loud it never quite fits what I’m feeling. When the words land, they just aren’t right.
Part of this might be the person I am trying to explain myself to. Hot Guy has a different view of life than me, and he sees my heart from a different angle than I do. This creates a huge problem for me. Something I might look at in myself and see as strong and amazing, Hot Guy might see as naive thinking, or the influence the liberals have had on my mind. (Eye roll) He cannot see what I see, and so he does his best to sway me to his thinking.
Now Hot Guy is extremely intelligent, and he knows all about me, so he has a way of presenting a logical argument against my thinking, so that if I were to disagree, I look like a completely selfish, or worse, ignorant fool. How can I not want what he’s presenting to me? I must see that my theory is completely different than reality.
He says I am dramatic. That I have to create extreme circumstances in my head in order feel good, but that in reality, it’s the little things that will make me happy.
Sometimes I get the feeling he views me as a sheltered child. Someone of a lesser understanding than him.
There’s a part of me that feels like running away from him, and getting him out of my head once and for all, would be so refreshing. To not have to drag someone into an understanding of me. To not have to feel like I’m wrong or bad because I’m just not them.
And yet, he’s my companion. My comfort zone. And I am afraid that leaving him would be the worst mistake of my life. One I would regret forever because once he was gone I’d know how good I’d had it. I know if I left he’d hate me, and then he’d move onto some sweet girl that would worship the ground he walked on, and be his little wifey. And where would I be?
Well, that is my fear at least. So I continue to drag him into my paradigm, sometimes succeeding, sometimes not, and hoping I can break through enough to taste my own freedom and gain my own desires. But one day I may believe enough in myself to leave him, or I may fall head over hills back in love with him. I don’t know.
For now, I’ll leave you with this quote:
“There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout: This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me; or leave me. Accept me – or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don’t fit your idea of who I should be and don’t try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.” –STACEY CHARTER