anonymously all of me

Month: May, 2013

Help! I’m Surrounded by Amateurs!

I am reading a great book by Steve Siebold called 177 Mental Toughness Secrets of the World Class. The reason this book is so great for me is not because I am learning tips and tricks from it, or being challenged to think in a new way, but rather, I am watching as he articulates the way I have come to think in my life already, and affirms my thinking as being great. Everything he writes is spot on with all that I have become. And because I used to think in what Steve would call an “amateur’s” way, I can see the difference very clearly. Steve compares the thinking of amateurs and pros, and explains why some people are successful and others aren’t.

As he compares the two, I am beginning to realize that one of the reasons I struggle is that I am surrounded by people who think like amateurs and therefore can’t understand what I’m saying when I speak out my heart. They’re coming from an entirely different perspective that I have to constantly fight against.

Recently I was discouraged for a couple days about the position I am going after because HotGuy was talking to a few of the reps who already work there and told me all they were complaining about with the company. Their complaints were nothing that worries me personally, but the negativity made me wonder if I was being foolish to not worry about it. After digesting it and finding my own truth on it, I realized where the disconnect was. Most people are looking for the path of least resistance. They want to make the most amount of money for the least amount of effort. And when they fail to be successful, it’s always because the system has a problem, not them. I’ve seen this over and over again with reps. They complain about the market being down, the product being bad, the hours being long, etc… They switch companies all the time hoping to find one that will pay well and require nothing in return. Their goal is “cruise control” in a territory. How can I get to the point where I don’t have to think or work anymore and can just relax?

I do not think that way. My goal is to devour the world. To challenge myself to my limits so that I can see how tall I really am. I am not looking to settle down and retire. I am not looking to arrive or end. I am looking to accomplish as much as possible with whatever time I have left on this earth. In fact, I turned down a position that would have paid me the same amount as the job I’m going for and been easier, because I knew I’d be bored. It wasn’t challenging enough for me. I’m not looking for a job, I’m looking for an experience. I’m looking to grow another foot and be propelled into higher and greater levels of living with every step. When I get to the point where it’s easy, I’ll be moving on to the next big thing because I’m not looking for easy. Easy is boring. I HATE being bored. In fact, I can trace almost all my depression to times when I’ve been bored.

This is why I am tackling Crossfit at the moment. It is extremely entertaining to me. Every time I go I accomplish something I haven’t before. I make sure of it. And I get a high from it. Yet, there is so much negativity at Crossfit from people who are looking to be “there” already. They can’t stand that there are things too challenging for them at the moment and they want to just fast forward to the point where they are elite athletes and can do everything perfectly. These are the people that hurt themselves doing things they’re not ready for, and walk around the gym feeling sorry for themselves or defeated after a workout. And then they quote studies saying Crossfit is bad for you, etc… Hell, I don’t even care if it’s bad for me. If it were sociably acceptable, and I had the energy after doing all that work, I’d jump around and scream from the excitement I get having achieved what I just did. I LOVE it! When Crossfit becomes easy, I’ll move onto something else.

So reading this book has been good for me because it’s like having a friend to talk to that knows where I’m coming from in life and thinks it’s the better thought process. This friend is telling me I’m going to be a champion because of my thinking. He’s telling me I’m happier and healthier than those amateurs. I need that because I’m surrounded by amateurs day in and day out who tell me otherwise. They wonder why I don’t prefer suburbia, a retirement fund, and the easy road over change, new challenges, and adventure. They make me feel like there’s something wrong or immature about my thinking and I hate it. I am in a constant internal battle trying to defend myself against their thinking. The extreme amateurs have been kicked out of my life, but those subtle ones are beginning to feel like they’re even more dangerous, as I don’t realize their thoughts are taking over my mind right away, I just go around doubting my resolve. I need to make friends in the champion quarter, but I’m discovering they’re a rare find. I’m adding it to the 5 year plan: make good friends. For now, Steve Siebold will have to do.




“You’re Just a Minivan Mom.”

Until today, I haven’t been overly anxious about starting my new job. There has been an excitement in the journey to acquire the job that has entertained my mind and prevented anxiety, but today has been different.

I went to my closet to get dressed this morning and I couldn’t find anything to wear. While a load of laundry would help a little, I’ve been feeling this way for the past few weeks. The frustration of trying to look stylish and put together, but always coming up a little short because of my limited wardrobe, is getting to me. Some things still don’t fit me because I’m about 10lbs out from my pre pregnancy weight, some things have worn out, and others have been passed along to my teenage daughters as a way of spicing up their wardrobes without having to shell out a bunch of cash I don’t have. My foundation just ran out and my 3rd pair of sunglasses in the last month were just broken, once again, by my 13 month old. ((Sigh))

Then, on the drive to drop my kids off at school, one of my daughters was making a joke about a kid in some show she saw getting hit my a minivan and complaining that he could have at least been hit by a cool car so he didn’t have to tell people he’d been hit by a minivan. I laughed and said, “I understand. A piece of me died when I bought our minivan.”

We were all laughing and joking in the car after that, and as I was about to drop them off I said, “Please prepare to exit the vehicle.”

Now, you need a little back story on this before we can continue. Because my children seem to take f-o-r-e-v-e-r to go from buckled into their seats to out of my car when we’re holding up a line of cars all trying to drop their kids off at school as well, I have gotten into the habit of telling them to “prepare to exit the vehicle” about a minute before I’m about to let them out. This has helped our line stoppage time greatly, as I’m sure all the other parents are grateful for. Anyhow, one day my son asks why I call it a vehicle, and my oldest daughter (who is the queen of trivia) says, “Hey, did you know that ‘car’ is short for carriage?” We all go, “ohhhh,” as little lightbulbs pop on in our heads, and then move on about our day. Well, the next day as a joke, I said,” Please prepare to exit the carriage,” and they all laughed. Ever since then, we’ve been coming up with different sayings to fit in that spot. “Please prepare to exit the Tardis. Please prepare to be ejected from the space ship.” You get the picture. Now back to today’s story.

This morning I said, “Please prepare to exit the vehicle,” and they all looked at me a little disappointed. So I said, “Vehicle is my word. I like it, and I’m sticking to it.” Then one of my daughters (the funny one) says in a joking tone, “What do you know? You’re just a minivan mom!”

As well placed and witty as that was, I have to be honest, that burned. It burned me deep. Then, in that moment, I wanted so badly to be working as soon as possible. To have the money to buy myself a great wardrobe again, and to earn some respect from my kids as an intelligent woman who has somewhere to go other than Starbucks and the grocery store. And I was getting all depressed in the Starbucks line this morning, but then I drank my coffee and felt in much better spirits. (Damn you Starbucks!)

My spirits lifted, I have decided that I will let my daughter back into the house when she gets out of school, but I may keep the skirt she borrowed today instead of giving it to her as I planned. This is where I am in life. This job can’t get here soon enough.

Will C. Rogers III minivan destroyed by pipe b...






Letting My Kids Down

Parenthood is the most heart wrenching thing I’ve had to deal with in my life. The deep unconditional love, the gripping fear of their harm, and the shame and torment when you can’t give them the things they so innocently want.

Now I am all for my kids not having every single thing they want so they’re not spoiled, and for them to go through the ups and downs of life, so they can grow some character… in theory at least, but it rips me up when I see my kids disappointed or hurting, especially when I am the cause behind it.

Years ago, when my kids were a lot younger, I made a decision. I decided that the best thing I could offer my kids was an alive version of myself. To sacrifice the light inside me might make them happy temporarily, but it would give them an example of living that would make them miserable as adults. Realizing that we adopt the culture of our parents, I knew that teaching them to be alive by being alive myself, was the best I could offer. To do this would break the culture I had been given by my mom. She sacrificed herself, becoming the perfect mom, putting her own light out to nurture ours. And I always felt it as a child. Felt that there was something wrong with her. Some underlying cloud in her eyes. And as an adult, I saw myself going down the same path. Saw myself with that same sadness. I didn’t want that for my kids. So I chose.

Since then, I have followed my heart, dragging my kids all over, living in 15 different cities, homeschooling them, putting them into school, involving them in radical religion, then taking religion away all together. Divorcing my extended family, selling everything we own, and even canceling commercial holidays for a whole year. And all in the name of finding myself.

This has not been done without consequence. I have hurt and confused them at times. In fact, I’ve probably given one of my daughters a mild form of OCD just so she can feel a sense of control. I have promised things I could not give them. I have shared my dreams that they wanted just as badly as I did, and that I did not achieve. And they have seen my breaking. My gut wrenching, balling my eyes out breaking. All things I am sure they will have to forgive me for at some point in their adult life.

And when I think of all the disappointments they’ve gone through, and all the change they’ve had to endure, I feel shame. I feel a great sadness that I couldn’t give them all I wanted to. I couldn’t travel the world with them and show them everything we ever wondered about. I couldn’t nurture all their artistic abilities, or save all their friends. I have caused them to lose friends multiple times because the parents were afraid of my thinking or beliefs. All me. I have done this to them. And their childhoods are swiftly fading away, so my chance at perfection is lost.

So I’m owning it. I’m accepting it. And I’m letting it go. I cannot be what they want me to be. I cannot lose my own heart. I have found it and will never let it go.

And yet, when I look through another lens, I can see all the gifts I’ve given them. All my children are polite, open minded, strong at heart. They have a sense of adventure and crave change. They are intelligent and look at the world in a way that sees the systems for what they are. School is not “the way it is” or “the way it should be”, it is just a place to learn and have friends. They could take it or leave it. They see people with broader eyes than many of their peers. They’ve been exposed to all types of people from many different walks of life, so someone who is “different” doesn’t scare them. They can usually see that person and make a judgement about them based on who they are rather than what they are. They embrace their emotions. They don’t try to be happy or good. They try to be real, but in a way that doesn’t invade on others. They have strong opinions. They aren’t attached to “things”. And they love me. They talk to me and tell me their secrets. They trust me with their hearts.

I never tried to teach them any one of those traits. They learned it all by example, as I was learning those things. That I can be proud of. That makes me happy. I have to remember all those lovely things when I feel bad for all they’ve lacked. I have to see all they’ve gained.

But it’s hard sometimes. Hard to think of their character being built or what good it will do them in the long term when in the moment their heart is breaking over another move we’re going to make for mom’s new job. Another dream we’re chasing that may not pan out. And I want to tell them it’s different this time. I want to say, “But I’m a butterfly now!” But I can’t. I don’t trust it to be true for them. Not another broken heart slain by my promise. And so I wait and hope. Hope that in the end, my decision to be alive, was good for them. And believe that they will stand on my shoulders and become greater than me, instead of being afflicted with the pains I left behind.