Yesterday afternoon I reached my limit. I literally could not spend one more minute in my house. I went to pick my kids up from school, dropped them off at home, and told them I was going to the grocery store. Then I drove off. I went to an area I knew I could park to think, and just parked there. I listened to some music while I tried to process and figure out what I was freaking out about. I felt a severe depression that literally hurt my body physically, but I couldn’t figure out what the source of this depression was. It was one of those times when words were useless to me. I tried using them at first, but I didn’t get anywhere, so I sat there in silence and let my mind work it out with my heart.
I began to picture myself going downtown, getting a coffee, and sitting outside while thinking, so I turned my car back on and headed that way. It was only a mile or so from where I was parked, so it didn’t take me long. I got my coffee, and sat outside while an amazingly sweet breeze blew.
That’s when I got the call from my family. The pizza I’d ordered them had shown up and that made them worry, as I was supposed to have been at the grocery store getting supplies for dinner. I have to admit, I did it for the dramatic flare. It sounded like such a good scheme to silently send the pizza and not tell them. So mysterious.
I told them that yes, I had ordered it, so they could stop freaking out. I then told Hot Guy that I just couldn’t come home. I literally couldn’t bring myself to be in the house for one more minute. He suggested we go walking at the lake with the baby then, and could I please come home because I had the car seat and he was stranded without it.
Walking at the lake sounded bearable, so I headed back home and picked them up.
It was a beautiful walk and I was so happy during it. When it was time to go home, I began to feel dark and depressed again. It made me testy and I fought with Hot Guy. This just made me more upset so when I got home I put on my headphones and crawled into bed. Maybe I could work it out that way.
As I laid there and, once again, let my mind talk to my heart, I began to picture myself out dancing. Suddenly I knew that I HAD to go out and dance. I didn’t have a choice. My heart was taking over and running the show now.
I decided to go to the Country Line Dancing place by our house as it seemed like a less intimidating environment than a regular club if I was going to go alone, and I’d never been although I’ve wanted to. I got out of bed and got dressed up. As I was dressing I realized that I really would like Hot Guy to go, but if he didn’t want to I’d go without him. So when I was all ready and looking good, I walked out into the living room and asked if he wanted to go with me. He did, and went to get changed.
That made me happy.
We went to dinner first, and I have to admit, the minute we stepped out of the car, I felt better. We laughed and joked at dinner, and then went over to the country club.
Oh my gosh, country people know how to have fun! It was a blast! We didn’t know any of the dances, but I tried a whole bunch, finally resolving to just go with the directional flow of everyone else and move my feet however I wanted. This made me a lot better. Hot guy isn’t quite as outgoing as I am, so he just watched me most of the time. But when they were doing two step, he watched, figured it out, and took me out on the dance floor to dance. That was great. There’s nothing like dancing with someone.
Then, around 11Pm the DJ announced it was free dance time and started playing club music. OH YEAH! I LOVE to dance! I went right out there, Hot Guy right behind me, and danced my little heart out. I managed to inch my way to the middle, and when a circle formed where they all watch one dancer dance in the middle, I jumped right in and danced for everyone. This shocked Hot Guy. He couldn’t believe I did that, because he could never. I loved it though.
At the end of the night I felt great, and my depression was gone.
On the drive home, Hot Guy commented on how great of a dancer I am, and how he’s beginning to see another side of me. That made me absolutely happy because it’s true. There is a whole other side to me that has bloomed. That part of me that I’ve been all along, but always censored and repressed for the sake of pleasing the proverbial supposed tos. And that’s why I’ve been depressed. Now that I have become someone new, I need a new habitat to live in. I’ve compared myself to a caterpillar who has recently become a butterfly in other posts, and using that analogy, I would say that I need a big wide world to fly in, instead of the cozy cocoon I’ve made my home. I am taking steps to get out of that cocoon, but they are taking time to put into place, so while I wait I am depressed. It feels like I have all this power and energy inside me that’s ready to get out, but my skin is holding it all in. I think my depression is my heart conceding to stuff the energy away, and it’s becoming harder and harder to do that with every passing day. There are cracks where it seeps out.
So I asked Hot Guy, “Do you like the side of me you are seeing, because it’s who I am. It’s who I’ve become.”
“I love it!”
And that’s all I needed to hear.