riskingtruth

anonymously all of me

Category: Fun

Country Line Dancing

Yesterday afternoon I reached my limit. I literally could not spend one more minute in my house. I went to pick my kids up from school, dropped them off at home, and told them I was going to the grocery store. Then I drove off. I went to an area I knew I could park to think, and just parked there. I listened to some music while I tried to process and figure out what I was freaking out about. I felt a severe depression that literally hurt my body physically, but I couldn’t figure out what the source of this depression was. It was one of those times when words were useless to me. I tried using them at first, but I didn’t get anywhere, so I sat there in silence and let my mind work it out with my heart.

I began to picture myself going downtown, getting a coffee, and sitting outside while thinking, so I turned my car back on and headed that way. It was only a mile or so from where I was parked, so it didn’t take me long. I got my coffee, and sat outside while an amazingly sweet breeze blew.

That’s when I got the call from my family. The pizza I’d ordered them had shown up and that made them worry, as I was supposed to have been at the grocery store getting supplies for dinner. I have to admit, I did it for the dramatic flare. It sounded like such a good scheme to silently send the pizza and not tell them. So mysterious.

I told them that yes, I had ordered it, so they could stop freaking out. I then told Hot Guy that I just couldn’t come home. I literally couldn’t bring myself to be in the house for one more minute. He suggested we go walking at the lake with the baby then, and could I please come home because I had the car seat and he was stranded without it.

Walking at the lake sounded bearable, so I headed back home and picked them up.

It was a beautiful walk and I was so happy during it. When it was time to go home, I began to feel dark and depressed again. It made me testy and I fought with Hot Guy. This just made me more upset so when I got home I put on my headphones and crawled into bed. Maybe I could work it out that way.

As I laid there and, once again, let my mind talk to my heart, I began to picture myself out dancing. Suddenly I knew that I HAD to go out and dance. I didn’t have a choice. My heart was taking over and running the show now.

I decided to go to the Country Line Dancing place by our house as it seemed like a less intimidating environment than a regular club if I was going to go alone, and I’d never been although I’ve wanted to. I got out of bed and got dressed up. As I was dressing I realized that I really would like Hot Guy to go, but if he didn’t want to I’d go without him. So when I was all ready and looking good, I walked out into the living room and asked if he wanted to go with me. He did, and went to get changed.

That made me happy.

We went to dinner first, and I have to admit, the minute we stepped out of the car, I felt better. We laughed and joked at dinner, and then went over to the country club.

Oh my gosh, country people know how to have fun! It was a blast! We didn’t know any of the dances, but I tried a whole bunch, finally resolving to just go with the directional flow of everyone else and move my feet however I wanted. This made me a lot better. Hot guy isn’t quite as outgoing as I am, so he just watched me most of the time. But when they were doing two step, he watched, figured it out, and took me out on the dance floor to dance. That was great. There’s nothing like dancing with someone.

Then, around 11Pm the DJ announced it was free dance time and started playing club music. OH YEAH! I LOVE to dance! I went right out there, Hot Guy right behind me, and danced my little heart out. I managed to inch my way to the middle, and when a circle formed where they all watch one dancer dance in the middle, I jumped right in and danced for everyone. This shocked Hot Guy. He couldn’t believe I did that, because he could never. I loved it though.

At the end of the night I felt great, and my depression was gone.

On the drive home, Hot Guy commented on how great of a dancer I am, and how he’s beginning to see another side of me. That made me absolutely happy because it’s true. There is a whole other side to me that has bloomed. That part of me that I’ve been all along, but always censored and repressed for the sake of pleasing the proverbial supposed tos. And that’s why I’ve been depressed. Now that I have become someone new, I need a new habitat to live in. I’ve compared myself to a caterpillar who has recently become a butterfly in other posts, and using that analogy, I would say that I need a big wide world to fly in, instead of the cozy cocoon I’ve made my home. I am taking steps to get out of that cocoon, but they are taking time to put into place, so while I wait I am depressed. It feels like I have all this power and energy inside me that’s ready to get out, but my skin is holding it all in. I think my depression is my heart conceding to stuff the energy away, and it’s becoming harder and harder to do that with every passing day. There are cracks where it seeps out.

So I asked Hot Guy, “Do you like the side of me you are seeing, because it’s who I am. It’s who I’ve become.”

“I love it!”

And that’s all I needed to hear.

…RiskingTruth

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Hungover

Yesterday morning when I woke up I was immediately depressed. I hate Saturdays. Why? Because I have such high expectations about getting out, doing something fun, and living it up. Then I look around at my family and they’re all in front of a screen of some sort, wasting away their lives, and all my enthusiasm gets deflated. I feel a hopelessness wash over me, and I just get depressed.

So I left the house to get my morning coffee at Starbucks in a grumpy state, and returned feeling a little more hopeful as the coffee kicked in. I decided that, it being a nice day, I was going to the beach. Not only was I going to go to the beach, but I was going to rent a beach cruiser and ride along the boardwalk. This was an idea I’d come up with last weekend, but the weather hadn’t cooperated.

When I got home, I announced that I was going to go to the beach and anybody who would like to join me was welcome. Part of me really wanted my whole family to come. I thought they’d have fun, and I stress out about them not getting out in the sunshine enough. But another part of me knew it would be easier if no one came, because then I wouldn’t have to put up with any of their talking, whining, or general needs.

Hot Guy was all in, although he was exhausted and a little grumpy, so I was angry about that. I felt like he was going to ruin my day by trying to cut corners to make things easier. I was also worried I’d feel guilty the whole time as I would be dragging him around, him always doing what I want him to, even if he doesn’t want to.

With Hot Guy on board, that meant the baby would be coming, which I was happy about. I might have taken him either way, as he would love what I was doing, and I’d feel good about getting him out.

With the three of us going, my 8 year old son (I have four kids) decided to go. Now here’s the tough one. 8-year-old is the one that needs to get out the most, but is also the most invasive child I have. He listens to everything Hot Guy and I talk about, comments on it, and interrupts conversation. He’s also highly dramatic, so can be quite exhausting. It’s so much easier to let him stay home and play video games all day, which he loves, but I hate. So, because I care about 8-year-old, I feigned being happy he was coming, and made him feel loved and accepted.

Both the girls (middle schoolers) decided to stay home and be bums. I didn’t want them to do that, but I just had to let it go, and decided that they are their own people, and they are going to make their own choices. They are not me. They are not me.

Well, we went to the beach and I rented a beach cruiser, while Hot Guy rented a double seater thing with a back seat so he and 8-year-old could peddle and the baby could ride in the back. It was really fun! I love being by the beach, and being in the sunshine with the warm breeze in my hair while I rode my bike was just what I hoped for. Perfect.

Hot Guy actually had a great attitude, as well as 8-year-old. And the baby was adorable in his little bike helmet. It was fun hearing all the people we passed gush out how cute he was to each other. It was also nice to get checked out while riding my bike. I am just starting to look good again after the baby, and I’ve missed being admired. Riding the bike by myself took away the “mom image” and helped too.

After we turned in our rentals, we let the boys play in the water. Hoy Guy took off his shirt and I have to admit, it got me excited. He isn’t called Hot Guy for kicks. Then I got to see all the other girls on the beach oodle over him, which makes me proud that I’m the one who gets to have sex with him.

When we went home, we were tired and napped, then I got out the karaoke machine and sang. Hot Guy sang too, which is always hilarious, and one of the girls did, which made me happy because they were participating. Then, after dinner, we went out with our Crossfit group. I was iffy about going but Hot Guy pushed me to go. Sooo glad he did. I had two glasses of wine, and was feeling wonderful! I haven’t had anything to drink in two years because of the baby, so two glasses pretty much did me in. I LOVE to drink. I feel guilty about that fact sometimes, because Hot Guy doesn’t drink, and he thinks girls that drink all the time are trashy. I can see his point. But I think I’d drink all the time if I didn’t have kids. I’d party a lot too. I love to dance, sing, and pretty much just be crazy, but I don’t get a lot of opportunities to do that. Hot Guy is good about it though. He loves to take me out and watch me go crazy, when I do get the chance, and then I don’t have to worry about anything, because I know if all else fails, he’ll throw me over his shoulder and carry me home if he has to.

Last night he said I was a hilarious drinker, and that all the Crossfit people are going to want me at all their events now. I made him laugh a lot. And not the kind where he was laughing at me, but laughing with me. I always feel so good about myself when he laughs at one of my jokes. He’s usually the funny one, and I get a bit overshadowed by that, so when I make him laugh it means a lot. I wonder, does the alcohol give me the moxy to say all the things I normally want to say, but filter because I don’t view myself as a funny person? Hmm, something to think about.

Anyhow, my Saturday ended up being pretty good. Now that it’s Sunday, I have to go back to the drudge of responsibility. School projects, laundry, and cleaning to get ready for the week. But what I really want to do is have fun all day again.

Until next time…