I once saw a picture on a tarot card that was being read for me of a wild looking wolf howling at the moon, and a domesticated dog sitting next to it. The idea, so says my friend who was reading the cards, is that there are two sides to me. One is the domestic and tame part of me, and the other is the wild and free side of me. “Don’t fear the wild side,” she says.
Now I’m not obsessed with tarot cards or the reading, but this image has been running through my mind at a near constant basis both yesterday and today. The question that looms in my mind is, “When I have more of the wild and free, will I naturally desire the domestic as well?”
You see, right now the idea of being wild and free is everything. And I am afraid of it. Afraid that one taste will change me, and I will run off into the wilderness never to return. I have been cooped up too long. I want to run around wild and live like an animal. I want to run hard and fast into it, and never look back. But I wonder: Is it an issue of balance?
When I have my freedom and a life of my own, will I then begin to miss the comforts of home? Will the nurturing soul in me want to cradle my children and bake pies from scratch? Will I want to sell myself to the romantic embrace of Hot Guy, and have him own me in that moment? Will I want to garden and nest and embrace the quiet solitude of the domestic?
I do not know.
Right now, all of those things are like a suffocating fog to me. Boring. Chains on my wrists. The very ideas that have held me back in guilt and fear for so long. My heart says it is not me. I am modern. I am a flat in the city with a housekeeper and cook. I am the life of the party. New York City. The complete opposite of what I have been.
And yet… I picture that card. And my brain wonders if I have just lacked balance. Have I been starved in one area, and gorged in another? When I am receiving a healthy portion of wild, will I also desire a healthy portion of domestic? The thought seems nice. It feels like it would be the “right” thing to be. It would please Hot Guy and my children. It would make me feel like less of a bad person. But, in this moment, I cannot relate to it. I cannot theorize the balance. I cannot imagine it in. I will just have to wait and see.
In this moment, the wild wolf is all consuming in my mind. It feels like freedom. Like my true heart hanging in the balance, waiting for it’s chance to shine. Will it take over completely? Will it become my new self? Only time will tell. For as I’ve experienced time and time again, I never know what my heart will feel in the moment. Theories are just that, a theory. And reality has a mind of it’s own.