I am feeling completely inspired today! Today is a day that I am believing in myself. I am able to see past my insecurities, inefficiencies, and the small image of myself I tend to see reflected back from those around me and believe that I am amazing.
Feeling like this brings out my true desires. The ones I hide from or hold back because they seem ridiculous or beyond me when I feel small. Like a pipe dream or little girl’s fantasy. But when I feel powerful, those things seem like a natural progression of who I am. They feel like the very act of denying them in my life would require more strength than the act of conquering them, because I’d have to hold back all the passion within me to stop them from happening.
What are these grand things? I have a list, and I will share that list with you, but first I want to explain what the “list” is all about. Because it’s not the trophy that I’m after, it’s the conquering of self that I crave. It’s not for others’ approval or praise (not that I don’t crave approval, because I do, but that’s not why I want these things), but so that I can look at myself and be amazed. So that I can know my own true limits. To expose all the hidden beauty and strength that lies within me. The creativity, the deep emotions, the intelligence, the heart. To silence all the nagging voices in my head that don’t believe in me, or that think I am less than. “Less-than”, that’s the phrase I want to silence. The phrase that has haunted me my whole life.
I truly believe that I am limited only by my perception of self, and the way the world works. When I look inside myself, I see endless possibility. In fact, I feel that if I earnestly go on a voyage to find the edges of my potential, I will only discover deeper and wider seas with a constant barrage of new horizons. There will never be an end to my potential. I will never “arrive”.
When I think of living a life this way, I can’t help but feel it is perfection. I have found the discovery of self to be the most euphoric experience possible. The very thing I have searched for and craved from the beginning of my existence. So to spend a life conquering the very tasks that stretch me in a new direction and make me feel bigger, stronger, more alive, would be amazing.
That’s what I want. That’s where I’m going. And the current “list” is comprised from my current understanding. From the current giants that stand before me begging to be conquered…
…I must admit, as I move from the list being personal to sharing it aloud, I hesitate, afraid of feeling foolish. My self image shrinks a bit, and I feel smaller. Is it my idea of what you will think of me? That I should be found ridiculous, even as I write this anonymously? Strange. But I will share. I will press through. As one of my challenges is to expose my truth, no matter what it is, to this blog audience. To find myself beautiful even when I fear the world won’t…
I have two lists going at the moment. One is my list of things I’m actively working towards at the moment. The other is a list of things I’d like to conquer in the future. Things that nag at me, but that don’t quite fit yet. My lists are ever evolving. And I hope to constantly add to them. I hope that as I conquer one thing, another challenge will appear that I didn’t know existed before. Something I never associated myself with, because I didn’t know it was in me to want that thing. I found a great article about this type of list. The author calls it the Impossible List. That is to say, what I once felt was impossible, I now find myself doing. I like that. So here they are, my Impossible Lists:
–Get a job at ____. A top company that only hires the best sales reps in my field, which I have a second interview with. :)
-Related: Once hired, become the #1 rep in the company within 5 years.
–RX in Crossfit by the end of 2013.
-(RX is the “prescription” weight and reps in any given Crossfit workout. Basically it means I wouldn’t have to scale down the workouts in order to complete them. I am 7 weeks into Crossfit, and no where near the RX point. However, I am improving quickly.)
–Get my 15 minutes of fame in Hollywood. (I’ve always wanted to be an actress. It is my art. And I hate that I feel like Hollywood is out of my league. That’s why it’s on my Impossible List.)
–Have a Book on the New York Times Best Seller List.
–Ride my Bike across the United States. (I plan to do this in 2020 with Hot Guy for our 20th anniversary.)
–Learn to play the piano fluently. Not the most difficult of challenges, but it’s on the list. I am an excellent musician, and playing music feeds me. However, in my adult life, I have not dedicated myself to it, and I am truly sorry for that. After I get the job, I plan to buy a piano and start lessons. I may expand this to include playing the violin and cello in the future.
–Live off the land for a year. This has haunted me!! It’s always been of great interest to me, but never something I wanted to do my whole life. I think it would be an amazing experience that would teach me so much about myself, as well as connect me to the earth in a whole new way.
That’s it. That’s the current list. It’s not a long list, but that’s because I plan to actually accomplish these things, and to continually add to it, as new challenges come taunting me. When it’s time to proceed with an item on the list, I break the large goal up into small accomplishable tasks, and start acting on those tasks. And it’s funny, the thrill of completing those little things is what fills me up. Like doing one guy push up for the first time in Crossfit, or getting an interview with my ideal company. Those little things, the journey so to speak, are what build me up step by step and make me believe in myself. And that’s what I’m searching for. That feeling of triumph and self amazement. And I am on my way.
Until next time…
- One Whole Push Up (riskingtruth.wordpress.com)