anonymously all of me

Category: Triumph

Dragging Myself Around in My Comfort Zone

Over the past few months I have discovered that energy is a highly precious commodity. When I am tired, I feel entirely incapable and unmotivated for my normal daily tasks, let alone tasks that require belief and out-of-my-comfort-zone thinking. It helps me to see how people, especially those in high pressure jobs, can get addicted to substances like cocaine or Ritalin.

The past few days have been rough. Two nights ago I was up all night (and I mean all night) with a child who had the stomach flu. Then last night I woke up 4 different times for the baby, who I presume isn’t feeling all that great either. This has made the world a blurry and uninteresting place for me. One where cozy beds and hot soup sound like an overwhelming joy, and going out into the big bad world, a colossally bad idea.

Before remembering that fatigue is the enemy of dreams and aspirations, I was walking around doubting all my decisions and plans. Feeling that they weren’t exciting to me anymore, and wondering where I went wrong. Depression set in and I began to feel hopeless. But just yesterday I was giving a pep talk to another person about how they were tired and so seeking their comfort zone, but once energy returned, they’d want to follow those dreams of theirs. Remembering that talk made me realize it was the same for me at the moment.

Thinking back, I’m worried that I’ve sabotaged many an idea because of this phenomenon, and I’m sad about that. So I’ve decided to press forward methodically with the plan I’ve laid out for myself, and to give myself a break by taking naps and conquering big tasks and dreaming another day. After all, I’m not a robot. Life happens and I am going to react to it in all manner of ways. Remembering that is going to be key to my success.

And I’m going to take this as a reminder to seek out ways to increase my energy (naturally), and incorporate that into my plan.



One Whole Push Up

Last night for the first time in my life, I did one whole guy push-up: arms at my side, elbows back, body tight, chest to the floor and back up!

Now I must back up a little so you can see how great this is. 6 weeks ago I started doing Crossfit. And during my second workout, we had to do push ups. I was so weak I couldn’t even do girl push ups. I had to do box push ups which are even more modified, and way below anyone else working out. Even those were hard, but I pushed myself through them, trying to believe I would get better with time.

The next time we had to do push ups, I was able to do girl push-ups, which were still difficult, but not impossible anymore. I couldn’t finish the whole set going all the way to the floor, and by the end, my arms probably moved about half an inch. But I finished the set, and tried to believe I would get better with time.

Well yesterday I was doing a WOD (workout of the day) that included a bunch of push ups (which I did in girl form again), and I felt really strong while doing them. I was able to touch my chest to the ground no problem, and I completed 5 sets of 5 no problem.

So last night I was bragging about it to Hot Guy, when he looked at me and said, “I bet you can do a regular push up now. You should try it.”

The thought took me back. At first I thought there was no way. Not after only 6 weeks. A regular push up is way out of my league. But then I thought I might be able to. And how great would that be? So right then and there I dropped to the ground, got into push up form, and went all the way down, and all the way up, without even having to pause to push my way through it!

“Oh my gosh! I can’t believe I just did that!”

And then the belief began to get in. I’d had hope before. Hope that agreed with the logic that anything is possible in baby steps. And hope that I had it in me to become an athlete, and to get the body I want. But belief, belief is something different. Belief makes me excited! Belief comes from the reality of triumph, and it feels so good to believe in myself.

I want so deeply to believe in myself. I want so deeply to achieve. I have theorized, and started, and given up on enough things. I have hoped that I had what it takes to accomplish great things for a long time, but I’m tired of hoping. I want to see just how tall I really am. I want to stop letting the world defeat me, and I want to prove to myself that there is nothing out of my reach. That’s why I joined Crossfit. Because Crossfit is the most challenging type of fitness I could conceive of, and it felt beyond me. It felt like something Hot Guy would do, but not me. I felt like I should be at the yoga studio. And when that feeling of defeat came over me, I knew the only thing to do was sign up, because I’m refusing to be defeated in my life from now on.

I refuse to be weak. I refuse to be broke. I refuse to be fat or unattractive. I refuse to not strive for everything that I want, because I don’t want to feel bad about myself. I don’t want to feel like there’s something that another person can do, but I can’t. I hate that! I know that I have all that is needed for accomplishing anything I want, and I will not layup anymore. I’m done with that part of my life. I’m done with hoping.

I did a push up dammit! And one day I’ll do a rope climb, and run a mile flat out, and be one of the top people at Crossfit. I believe that now. And that belief builds my person. It builds my self image. It builds me. And I like that feeling.

Until next time…

push ups

push ups (Photo credit: sun dazed)