anonymously all of me

Having Lunch With the Back of a Cell Phone


This morning when I opened my eyes, the first words out of my mouth were, “Oh my God!”

Hot Guy, who was wearing fitted jeans and a white t-shirt that wrapped tightly around his muscles, looks at me and says, “What happened?” with a worried look on his face.

I reply, “You look so sexy it hurts.”

Hot Guy (who is properly named) was no longer worried, and instead, stood up a little straighter, gave me a kiss, and left for an appointment. This was very disappointing, as I would have preferred to consume him entirely for breakfast.

Around 11, I got a phone call from Hot Guy asking if I wanted to go to lunch. I happily accepted as visions of a fun conversation and playful bantering, over what was sure to be an excellent plate of food, danced in my head.

Stupid girl. You know better.

It being the middle of the day, we brought HappyBaby along with us, as our live in babysitter was at school. He screamed the entire drive. (This is his new thing.) Then, while at lunch, HappyBaby had to be entertained with jelly baskets, menus, and tortilla chips. The service was s-l-o-w, and Hot Guy was e-mailing on his phone almost the entire time.

Sharp knife right through the center of my daydream bubble.

I do want to take a little moment (before I go on to vent) to say that it was work stuff he was dealing with and today is a work day. But there have been many times when he was just bored and therefore reading Twitter, which he is obsessed with. Still, I’m pretty sure the email could have waited 30 minutes.


Now, some of you might be getting a picture of an attractive man paired up with a woman who used to be pretty but has now had 4 children, so has amounted to a frumpy housewife that HotGuy is no longer excited by. You might also be picturing a scowl on this ugly woman’s face that suggests she is a naggy bitch that offers poor company. But let me tell you, this picture is not true.

I am a very attractive woman. Everywhere I go men cannot keep their eyes off of me. Everyone opens my door, offers me help, and tries to talk to me. I’m also funny, exciting, and a great friend. AND, I’m great in bed.

I mention these things, because I think with all that I offer, I should at least be worth a little attention at lunch. I don’t want to date the back of your cell phone. I want to live a romance. I feel like if he felt the way about me that I do about him, we would. I feel like I should be enough to entertain his mind for 30 fucking minutes. I guarantee there are plenty of men out there that would do pretty much anything to sit down with me at lunch and have a little sexy banter.

I’m so disappointed. I want more from life.

I just feel like this scenario sums up my life right now. I’m ready to launch. August can’t get here fast enough.




Help! I’m Surrounded by Amateurs!

I am reading a great book by Steve Siebold called 177 Mental Toughness Secrets of the World Class. The reason this book is so great for me is not because I am learning tips and tricks from it, or being challenged to think in a new way, but rather, I am watching as he articulates the way I have come to think in my life already, and affirms my thinking as being great. Everything he writes is spot on with all that I have become. And because I used to think in what Steve would call an “amateur’s” way, I can see the difference very clearly. Steve compares the thinking of amateurs and pros, and explains why some people are successful and others aren’t.

As he compares the two, I am beginning to realize that one of the reasons I struggle is that I am surrounded by people who think like amateurs and therefore can’t understand what I’m saying when I speak out my heart. They’re coming from an entirely different perspective that I have to constantly fight against.

Recently I was discouraged for a couple days about the position I am going after because HotGuy was talking to a few of the reps who already work there and told me all they were complaining about with the company. Their complaints were nothing that worries me personally, but the negativity made me wonder if I was being foolish to not worry about it. After digesting it and finding my own truth on it, I realized where the disconnect was. Most people are looking for the path of least resistance. They want to make the most amount of money for the least amount of effort. And when they fail to be successful, it’s always because the system has a problem, not them. I’ve seen this over and over again with reps. They complain about the market being down, the product being bad, the hours being long, etc… They switch companies all the time hoping to find one that will pay well and require nothing in return. Their goal is “cruise control” in a territory. How can I get to the point where I don’t have to think or work anymore and can just relax?

I do not think that way. My goal is to devour the world. To challenge myself to my limits so that I can see how tall I really am. I am not looking to settle down and retire. I am not looking to arrive or end. I am looking to accomplish as much as possible with whatever time I have left on this earth. In fact, I turned down a position that would have paid me the same amount as the job I’m going for and been easier, because I knew I’d be bored. It wasn’t challenging enough for me. I’m not looking for a job, I’m looking for an experience. I’m looking to grow another foot and be propelled into higher and greater levels of living with every step. When I get to the point where it’s easy, I’ll be moving on to the next big thing because I’m not looking for easy. Easy is boring. I HATE being bored. In fact, I can trace almost all my depression to times when I’ve been bored.

This is why I am tackling Crossfit at the moment. It is extremely entertaining to me. Every time I go I accomplish something I haven’t before. I make sure of it. And I get a high from it. Yet, there is so much negativity at Crossfit from people who are looking to be “there” already. They can’t stand that there are things too challenging for them at the moment and they want to just fast forward to the point where they are elite athletes and can do everything perfectly. These are the people that hurt themselves doing things they’re not ready for, and walk around the gym feeling sorry for themselves or defeated after a workout. And then they quote studies saying Crossfit is bad for you, etc… Hell, I don’t even care if it’s bad for me. If it were sociably acceptable, and I had the energy after doing all that work, I’d jump around and scream from the excitement I get having achieved what I just did. I LOVE it! When Crossfit becomes easy, I’ll move onto something else.

So reading this book has been good for me because it’s like having a friend to talk to that knows where I’m coming from in life and thinks it’s the better thought process. This friend is telling me I’m going to be a champion because of my thinking. He’s telling me I’m happier and healthier than those amateurs. I need that because I’m surrounded by amateurs day in and day out who tell me otherwise. They wonder why I don’t prefer suburbia, a retirement fund, and the easy road over change, new challenges, and adventure. They make me feel like there’s something wrong or immature about my thinking and I hate it. I am in a constant internal battle trying to defend myself against their thinking. The extreme amateurs have been kicked out of my life, but those subtle ones are beginning to feel like they’re even more dangerous, as I don’t realize their thoughts are taking over my mind right away, I just go around doubting my resolve. I need to make friends in the champion quarter, but I’m discovering they’re a rare find. I’m adding it to the 5 year plan: make good friends. For now, Steve Siebold will have to do.



“You’re Just a Minivan Mom.”

Until today, I haven’t been overly anxious about starting my new job. There has been an excitement in the journey to acquire the job that has entertained my mind and prevented anxiety, but today has been different.

I went to my closet to get dressed this morning and I couldn’t find anything to wear. While a load of laundry would help a little, I’ve been feeling this way for the past few weeks. The frustration of trying to look stylish and put together, but always coming up a little short because of my limited wardrobe, is getting to me. Some things still don’t fit me because I’m about 10lbs out from my pre pregnancy weight, some things have worn out, and others have been passed along to my teenage daughters as a way of spicing up their wardrobes without having to shell out a bunch of cash I don’t have. My foundation just ran out and my 3rd pair of sunglasses in the last month were just broken, once again, by my 13 month old. ((Sigh))

Then, on the drive to drop my kids off at school, one of my daughters was making a joke about a kid in some show she saw getting hit my a minivan and complaining that he could have at least been hit by a cool car so he didn’t have to tell people he’d been hit by a minivan. I laughed and said, “I understand. A piece of me died when I bought our minivan.”

We were all laughing and joking in the car after that, and as I was about to drop them off I said, “Please prepare to exit the vehicle.”

Now, you need a little back story on this before we can continue. Because my children seem to take f-o-r-e-v-e-r to go from buckled into their seats to out of my car when we’re holding up a line of cars all trying to drop their kids off at school as well, I have gotten into the habit of telling them to “prepare to exit the vehicle” about a minute before I’m about to let them out. This has helped our line stoppage time greatly, as I’m sure all the other parents are grateful for. Anyhow, one day my son asks why I call it a vehicle, and my oldest daughter (who is the queen of trivia) says, “Hey, did you know that ‘car’ is short for carriage?” We all go, “ohhhh,” as little lightbulbs pop on in our heads, and then move on about our day. Well, the next day as a joke, I said,” Please prepare to exit the carriage,” and they all laughed. Ever since then, we’ve been coming up with different sayings to fit in that spot. “Please prepare to exit the Tardis. Please prepare to be ejected from the space ship.” You get the picture. Now back to today’s story.

This morning I said, “Please prepare to exit the vehicle,” and they all looked at me a little disappointed. So I said, “Vehicle is my word. I like it, and I’m sticking to it.” Then one of my daughters (the funny one) says in a joking tone, “What do you know? You’re just a minivan mom!”

As well placed and witty as that was, I have to be honest, that burned. It burned me deep. Then, in that moment, I wanted so badly to be working as soon as possible. To have the money to buy myself a great wardrobe again, and to earn some respect from my kids as an intelligent woman who has somewhere to go other than Starbucks and the grocery store. And I was getting all depressed in the Starbucks line this morning, but then I drank my coffee and felt in much better spirits. (Damn you Starbucks!)

My spirits lifted, I have decided that I will let my daughter back into the house when she gets out of school, but I may keep the skirt she borrowed today instead of giving it to her as I planned. This is where I am in life. This job can’t get here soon enough.

Will C. Rogers III minivan destroyed by pipe b...