I did something completely amazing yesterday. Something that showed me that I truly have crossed over to the other side. Yesterday, I made a 5-year-plan.
Now 5-year-plans are a common household item, I know, but you must understand who I am and how I work in order to see the beauty in this. So, as I don’t want to crush your innocent and vigorous curiosity, I will tell you all about myself.
I am a person who desperately desires to live a life full of conviction. I am powerful and full of passion, and I can walk through any obstacle when I have a strong conviction driving me. And as a young adult, I lived my life with that full vigor. But as I went along my way, I began to see the world from a different point of view. When this happened, I could see that my previous convictions had been wrong and I felt foolish for that. I could also see that my previous convictions were not born from my own heart, but rather given to me by others, and so they were an oppression to me, making me into something I was not. I felt dead inside, and I began to see that my whole life had happened to me. Being put onto me by the ideas and expectations of others.
Realizing that I could literally live a whole life in quiet desperation if I didn’t change anything, I made my number one priority finding out who I was and what I wanted. I knew that if I stopped in that moment and took the time to figure it out, I would be able to continue on from that place in an amazing way. What I didn’t know, was that this little pit stop was going to take 7 years.
Those 7 years were an emotional roller coaster as I continually let go of old ideas and embraced new paradigms, as I discovered the difference between who I really was and who I felt I was supposed to be. There were some amazing days, but there were also many dark days. And as time went on and I still hadn’t found my conviction, I began to feel like there was no answer to be found. I wondered if I’d live the rest of my life with a confused and desperate angst. And I couldn’t just stop, because I’d let go of all my former identity, so I had nothing to go back to. It was like being in the middle of the ocean during a hurricane. My boat had sunk, chaos was all around me, and I didn’t know how to get to shore. All I could do was keep swimming and hope to make it to shore, because to stop swimming would mean certain death. So I kept swimming. And one day, I reached the sand.
About a year ago, I began to feel like I had crossed over to the other side. I had a lot more answers than questions, and I felt that I knew who I was and where I wanted to go. But I was timid. Was this another mirage in the desert? Would I start running towards it only to find that I had been fooled? So I held back and walked forward timidly. But as time went on, the sand felt more solid beneath my feet, and I could begin to believe. This was not like before. This was new.
And now in this present moment, I feel solid. I KNOW what I want! I know how I want to live. And so I am going to live that way. I didn’t go through 7 years of chaos, hell, and heartbreak to wash up on shore and not do anything with what I’ve learned. That 7 years had purpose. It shaped my thnking. It changed the entire course of my life. And I walk forward today a new woman.
So when I make a 5 year plan, it’s me declaring to myself that I have changed. That I am no longer drowning, but conquering instead. I am stepping over the threshold leaving my old life behind, and embracing a whole new way to live.